


I Keep Waiting For The Day When You Tell Me I'm Not Enough

by nightberrypearl



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry, Insecurity, M/M, Panic, and some fluff, i didn't mean to, my hand slipped, yeah... let's go with that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-27
Updated: 2016-12-27
Packaged: 2018-09-12 12:23:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9071527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nightberrypearl/pseuds/nightberrypearl
Summary: "I Keep Waiting For The Day When You Tell Me I'm Not Enough"Yuuri can't help but think that Viktor is far too good for him. Viktor would beg to disagree.





	1. Yuuri

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have literally been waiting months to write a fic to this prompt. I've tried several different ships but most of them barely made it past planning. I had completely lost the writing mojo.  
> BUT, I've done it now. After months, I've finally finished it.  
> Tada!
> 
> Hope you all enjoy it.
> 
> I'm sorry for the angst. So so sorry. It just happened...
> 
> Check out my Tumblr at [fandomdevoted](http://fandomdevoted.tumblr.com/) for fandom related posts and feel free to drop me a message on that if you so wish :D

It was just another day. Only two months after the Grand Prix Final, Yuuri was already down at the rink working on a new routine for the next season. It’s been two months since Yuuri won that silver medal that he’d slaved over for a year. Two months since he moved to Russia. Two months since Yuuri started living with Viktor.

Life couldn’t have been much better. He was living with the man he loves the most in the world. That feeling of elation that he felt when he stood on the podium at the GPF doesn’t even compare to the pure euphoria he feels when he and Viktor return home after a long day of practise and just cuddle each other on the sofa with Makkachin. In these moments, he just wishes time would stop so he could live his life this happily forever.

* * *

 

But life isn’t nearly so kind.

Yuuri loves Viktor. It’s a fact, just as much as it’s a fact that fish swim in water and humans need air to breathe. Yuuri has always loved Viktor from the first moment he laid eyes on the grey haired Russian. To begin with, Yuuri’s emotions could have easily been mistaken for simple idol worship, but as time went on, the feelings grew and flourished to a fully-fledged love for the other man.

Yuuri never dreamt that this love he felt for Viktor would ever be acknowledged, let alone reciprocated. But here he was, living with the same man he used to admire through the TV screen. Yuuri seemed to be living a dream – a seemingly impossible dream.

And that was a fact that never escaped his mind.

It didn’t escape Yuuri how seemingly amazing and perfect his situation seemed. It felt like some sort of fairy tale. But not one that he could convince himself had a happy ending.

Every once and a while, right when he was beginning to accept the reality of his relationship with Viktor, his torturous mind loved to give him a kick back into the pit of anxiety and nerves that he was fighting so desperately to heave himself out of.

His mind loved to remind him that Viktor is The Crowned Prince of the figure skating world; the Five Time Consecutive World Champion in the Men’s Single Division, and previously The Most Eligible Bachelor around. Viktor could have anyone he wanted. He had, no, he still _has_ the whole damn world wrapped around his little finger. So what on Earth was he doing with Yuuri?

_‘What if tomorrow, Viktor decides that I’m not good enough for him? I couldn’t even win a gold medal at the GPF. So useless. What is he even doing with me? I’m a disgrace. I guess he’s just taking pity on me…’_

He never thinks to tell Viktor any of this. The faster he tells Viktor, the faster Viktor is made aware of how much Yuuri is lacking – that’s if he didn’t already know. But in the end, telling him will just help him realise exactly how much of a mistake he made choosing Yuuri.

On most days, Yuuri was very good at just letting these thoughts go on into the background – into the constant hum of self-deprecation that held a permanent spot in his head. Usually he’s able to mostly convince himself that these ideas he’s being presented with are unfounded.

On most days.

* * *

 

It goes as it usually does. It creeps up on him slowly, right when he’s unsuspecting.

After a long session down at the rink, Yuuri stops to take a small breather. As amazing as his stamina is, it’s not literally _endless_.

Out of habit, Yuuri finds himself scanning the rink for a certain Viktor Nikiforov. He can’t help that his eyes are drawn to him constantly. His eyes land on Viktor who appears to be chatting away with a fellow skater from the Russian National Team. They speak like old friends – though Yuuri supposes that they probably are – and they laugh together and it looks as natural as walking. It’s clear to Yuuri that Viktor looks like he _belongs_. And he does.

This is where Viktor should be. On the ice. In Russia. Not with Yuuri.

What could Yuuri possibly provide Viktor that the latter couldn’t get elsewhere from someone else? Yuuri isn’t special. Far from it.

If anything, Yuuri is a burden. He always seems to be in need of someone to calm him down from his anxiety attacks and more often than not, that person is Viktor. Viktor is someone who’s meant to fly, he’s an angel who belongs in the heavens but because of Yuuri, he’s weighed downed and tied down to Earth. It’s not supposed to be like this.

It’s Yuuri’s fault. It’s his fault that Viktor is stuck playing babysitter to a 24 year old who can’t even hold it together, to someone who can’t even win one stupid skating event. He can’t even come first place, he doesn’t deserve gold. He’ll always be second place. And he’s just waiting for Viktor to realise that Yuuri belongs in second place – in competitions and in his heart (if he’s in his heart at all). In fact, perhaps that’s being too generous, because perhaps even second is a stretch for Yuuri. He might as well quit and leave now to save Viktor the hassle and effort of telling Yuuri to leave and never come back. It’s the least he could do.

_‘Viktor…I’m sorry for being a waste of your space and time. I’m sorry for taking you away from skating for a whole year – taking you away from the sport you love, the crowds who adore you, everything you worked so hard for. I’m sorry you dropped everything for me, left everything you loved, just for me. I wasn’t even worth it in the end…’_

Yuuri feels the tears begin to pool up in his eyes. He knows what’s coming and he knows he can’t hold back the panic and the insecurity that’s so deep seated in him that it’s hard to see where it ends. It’s as much a part of him as an arm or a leg.

He does the only think he can think to do. Get out of the public space. Letting everyone see how pathetically weak he is would only serve to highlight how incompatible he is with Viktor.

His tired feet carry him far away from the ice rink and back to his probably-soon-to-be-former apartment. The journey from where he stood on the rink back to Viktor’s apartment is a blur in his mind. Too much of his focus being dedicated to holding back the flood of tears threatening to over flow at any moment.

It’s only once he buries himself under the duvet of their shared bed that he lets the tears finally drop from his eyes. It isn’t long before the pillow beneath his head becomes soaked with tears.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooooo...
> 
> Let me know what you all think! It would be much appreciated :)
> 
> Will be posting the next chapter very shortly... I have them all written, in the middle of proofing so expect it very soon  
> I'll have all chapters out by the end of the day. I promise


	2. Viktor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's a bit of a shorter chapter. It ended up being a chapter on its own because it didn't fit with either of the other 2.
> 
> Most of the reason I'm posting the chapters separately even though I've already written them all is so that I can have time to forget what I've written so I can proofread my writing more objectively. 
> 
> Chapter 3 will be up shortly - expect the next hour or so. This chapter is too short to just leave it here. It seems more like filler to me than anything else

Viktor was entranced to say the least. He couldn’t take his eyes off of Yuuri. From the way his ebony hair fluttered in the air to the deep and expressive emotions on his face, Viktor just couldn’t bring himself to look away from the sight. Yuuri was beauty personified.

“I didn’t think it were possible for anyone to stare so intently at someone for so long… Don’t your eyes get tired?” Mila’s jibe at Viktor snaps him out of his daydream.

“Huh?”

“Stare any harder and your eyes might burst from your head.”

Viktor chuckles at her comment as she offers him a sly smirk in return. Trust Mila to be the first one to take a jab at him. She always did like to tease her rink mates.

They’d barely spoken for a minute before Viktor began to miss Yuuri and turned to search for his precious Katsudon. But he wasn’t there. Surely Yuuri wouldn’t just leave him would he? Perhaps the other male had just headed to the bathroom or had gone to grab a drink. However, a quick scan around the rink told him otherwise.

“YURIO!”

The blond turned at the shout and growled when he realised who was seeking him out.

“What.” His response was terse and agitated.

“Where did Yuuri go?” Yuri could already see the sickening amount of desperation in Viktor’s eyes.

“Why the hell do you think I know? You might follow him around like a lost puppy but not everyone else does…” Viktor seemed to shrink at hearing this. “But, I might have just chanced to look over at him when he left. He seemed a little troubled by something, so he’s probably gone home. Not that I’d know. Or care. It’s not like I was looking out for him specifically. I just happened to notice –”

He was cut off by Viktor who, upon hearing the news, turned and skated for the exit as quickly as humanly possible leaving Yuri alone to brood over being interrupted so suddenly.

Viktor knew that he was being very rude leaving Yuri like that. Though he couldn’t bring himself to care as much as he usually would when his Yuuri was unwell and alone.

‘Why would he leave so suddenly? And why didn’t he tell me? Yurio said he looked troubled… Is something wrong? Did something happen? I hope he’s okay…’

In the 28 long years of his life, Viktor had never rushed home faster. There was no time to waste. Yuuri is his priority. He couldn’t bear to think about Yuuri in any sort of pain – which is ridiculous in itself seeing as they’re both professional figure skaters who fall over a fair amount on a regular basis. But he can’t stand the thought of Yuuri being anything but okay.

A year ago, perhaps only Makkachin would have made Viktor express such copious amounts of worry and concern. However now, he has Yuuri too. Yuuri means the world to him.

All the lights are off when Viktor gets home and it’s unnerving. Tentatively, he begins to scour the room with his eyes for any signs that Yuuri might be here. The moment he hears the faint sniffles and whimpers coming from the bedroom, he’s there in a flash.


	3. Viktuuri

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just before posting this, literally just now, I was on tumblr and saw [this](http://loveultradreamer.tumblr.com/post/154945246031/zephyrine-gale-stay-close-to-me-im-not-crying/)
> 
> That, that is what I wanted to see
> 
> Enjoy this last chapter, hope it's not a total let down...

Yuuri hears the bedroom door creak open slowly. He buries his head deeper under the bed sheets to hide the pain which is surely visible on his face. He can’t let Viktor see him like this – so pathetic.

“Yuuri…?”

He hears Viktor calling out to him but he refuses to move. Can’t he just stay hidden in his duvet sanctuary for just a bit longer? Couldn’t Viktor have waited for a bit longer – just long enough for Yuuri to calm down somewhat and hide his miserable inadequacies?

“Yuuri, is that you?”

_No._

He hears muffled footsteps approaching where he lies curled up on the bed. The steps stop beside the bed, right by his side. Yuuri tries to lie perfectly still. He knows that it’s stupid; Viktor knows he’s there but he can’t help but hope.

Cold air hits his face as he feels the covers being pulled away from him slowly. A gentle hand pulls at his shoulder, guiding his limp body up and around to a sitting position to face Viktor. Once sitting, he immediately curls himself inwards, obscuring any view of his face with his knees.

Concern emanates from Viktor in waves as he struggles to understand what made Yuuri like this. As far as he knows, Yuuri was fine during most of practise until the moment he left.

“Why won’t you look at me?” Viktor hears his own voice quake unevenly. The more Yuuri hurts and hides, the more Viktor’s heart aches.

Viktor apprehensively reaches to tilt Yuuri’s face up out of where it’s hidden. Given that Yuuri’s whole body seems to be lifeless, it’s not a hard task.

A gasp threatens to escape his lips as he takes in Yuuri’s tear-stained cheeks and bloodshot eyes. He begins to feel tears well up in his own eyes as he takes in the worn-down appearance of his precious lover.

Without a second thought, he shifts closer to encompass the other in a warm embrace. Viktor isn’t really the best at comforting others with words; he just hopes that Yuuri will find solace in his presence.

But Yuuri tries to shuffle out of the hug and Viktor’s heart shatters even more. Did he do something wrong to hurt Yuuri?

* * *

 

Yuuri feels suffocated by Viktor. He knows that the latter doesn’t really care about him all that much or at least he shouldn’t. He’ll realise soon how high maintenance Yuuri is. He’ll realise soon and then Yuuri will be forced to return to Japan. But that’s okay. He’s been expecting this. Sure, it’ll hurt and he’ll cry – but he’s always done that. It’ll take time to get over Viktor, (If that’s even possible) but he’ll manage…

Perhaps he should just get this over and done with now to save some pain. He should have left ages ago but Yuuri is selfish. So _so_ very selfish for keeping Viktor trapped with him for so long. But now he’s got to set him free. Viktor can be happy again when he’s gone.

Yuuri closes his eyes and breathes. He tries to savour the smell of Viktor who sits beside him confused about what’s happening. When he opens his eyes, it’s now or never.

“I’m sorry.” His voice croaks and cracks with the words but Viktor hears him clearly nonetheless.

“What are you sorry for…?” Viktor almost wants to sigh in relief that Yuuri is finally talking. Maybe now Viktor can learn what has made his Yuuri so distraught.

“Everything… I’ve been selfish. I’m sorry. I realise how selfish I have been but I couldn’t help myself. But don’t worry, I’ll leave so that everything will be okay again and you won’t have to worry about me anymore.”

Truthfully, Viktor failed to hear anything past “I’ll leave”. He could not even begin to imagine a future without Yuuri by his side anymore. What was this about leaving?

“I don’t understand, what do you mean? You can’t just _leave_. What about _us_?” Viktor could feel his heart thumping erratically in his chest. He’s used to Yuuri causing his heart to palpitate but usually it’s in much more pleasant circumstances.

“It’s okay. You can be free now. Free without me weighing you down –”

“Weighing me down?! No no no Yuuri, you’ve never done that…”

“But I have. I’ve been so selfish in keeping you to myself. You’ve been tied to me and now I’m going to let you go so you can be happy.” Yuuri can feel himself shaking as the words pour from his mouth.

“ _I am happy_. I am happy because I have you.” _‘He’s lying, he doesn’t mean that’_

“You don’t mean that. You _can’t_ mean that. You can’t be happy with me.”

“And why not?”

“Because I’m me and you’re you.”

“So? What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means that you’re Viktor Nikiforov, The Crowned Prince of the figure skating world; the Five Time Consecutive World Champion in the Men’s Single Division, you can have anyone you want. But you’ve only got me. Katsuki Yuuri. A nobody who’s not worth your time –”

“Don’t say that. It’s not true. Don’t say that about yourself like you aren’t worth the world to me. Don’t think that you’re keeping me trapped or stuck or whatever it is you think you’re doing because you’re not.” Viktor has never tried to put more passion in his words just to make someone see how much he loves him. He loves Yuuri with everything he has.

“You’re lying. I keep waiting for the day that you tell me I’m not enough. Just let me go now and you can save yourself the effort.” For Yuuri, this is it. Surely Viktor must see now how stupid he is and what an error in judgment he has made with Yuuri.

But that’s not the case. On hearing those words, Viktor moves to surround Yuuri in the warmest hug he can possibly muster. His heart, soul and body are crying with despair that Yuuri feels so negative about himself. He hates that Yuuri can’t believe him about his true and honest affections. But he will eventually. Eventually, Viktor will make Yuuri believe that his love is true and real and he doesn’t care if it takes a lifetime.

“Yuuri. Listen to me.”

‘ _Here it comes.’_ Yuuri thinks and he tenses as he braces himself for what he’s about to hear.

But what he hears is not what he expects.

Viktor gently cups his face in his hands and angles it towards his own, pressing their foreheads together. He can feel the Viktor’s breaths against his lips and the warmth and familiarity is comforting.

“I love you Yuuri. With everything and every part of my being, I love you more than life itself.”

His words make Yuuri gasp sharply.

 “I know you might not believe me. That’s fine. Just don’t leave me. Before you, I had no-one. I was alone and the only warmth that I could hold was Makkachin. But then you came into my life and changed my whole world. I don’t care if you don’t believe me now; just give me a chance to prove it to you that my love for you is honest. Don’t leave me Yuuri, I’m lost without you.”

As Viktor speaks, his gaze slowly rises to meet the other’s. He notices the intensity of them, the complete and utter look of love and affection swirling through the cerulean blue orbs. How could he have missed it before? Was he blind?

All this time, in the back of Yuuri’s mind was doubt and insecurity. Doubt about Viktor’s true affections due to his own insecurities. Though now he sees clearly how close-minded he was really being. He let his own anxieties and insecurities cloud his judgment and he almost let something as beautiful and magnificent as his relationship with Viktor slip through his fingers. He’s truly an idiot.

Glistening tears slip from his eyes once more. But not one’s of despair, tears of happiness. However, the sight of tears reappearing sends Viktor into a panic. Fortunately it’s quickly put to rest as Yuuri melts into Viktor’s arms.

Yuuri moves even closer into Viktor, the two of them finding warmth and comfort in one another. They don’t need the words anymore. Viktor can sense that Yuuri is calmer now and that he has been believed and so he relaxes.

“I’m sorry for not trusting in you… It’s just that I –”

“I get it, it’s okay. You don’t need to apologise for anything.”

“But I do. I’ve caused so much pain –”

“No, Yuuri, stop. You haven’t done anything wrong. You can’t control your own insecurities. You can control what negative thoughts get planted in your mind. It’s not, and never has been, your fault.”

There are no words for how Yuuri feels. The weight which was suffocating him and pushing on his chest has been lifted. What is left in his heart isn’t pain, but adoration and love.

The only response he can think of is to tilt his head up even more to catch Viktor’s lips with his own. The kiss is slow but nonetheless filled with passion. It’s not a kiss full of lust but one filled with endless love and a promise to be together for as long as they can. After all, that’s the only way that two people so deeply in love can possibly live – together.

Both of them know that Yuuri is far from over all his anxieties and nerves. It takes a lot more than just a day to overcome these obstacles. But it’s a step in the right direction. Yuuri doesn’t have to brave this fight alone. There’s Viktor who will always be with him. No matter what.

* * *

 

Later in the evening, the pair is still lying in bed, just content with being there together. They don’t need anything else.

Yuuri’s voice breaks through the silence first.

“Thank you.”

“What for?”

“For loving me and believing in me even when I don’t.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who has read my story, commented, given kudos or just done anything really. It means a lot to me that people like what I read :)
> 
> Check out my Tumblr at [fandomdevoted](http://fandomdevoted.tumblr.com/) for fandom related posts and feel free to drop me a message on that if you so wish :D


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